Ophelia Blooming

New Home

2011-07-22T17:11:00.001-04:00

You can now find my personal blog at Secret Poetry Book

Other places on the web:
Website - Gypsy Love Warrior
Etsy shop - A Goddess Garden
Twitter
Facebook

dreaming...

2011-07-11T00:47:00.002-04:00

(photo by irisgodd3ss)

Tonight I am dreaming of a place that can only exist in my mind right now. A place that I have never been to, but know of its beauty and magic and that it welcomes me with an expansive sky and ocean water bluer than I have ever seen. This place is the thing dreams are made of - a dream I had many, many years ago; swaying in a hammock beside the sea and the grass was so green and my spirit felt at peace. All I could do was smile. This dream may be closer to reality than I think. I can only hope, as reality has become so gray.

GYPSY LOVE WARRIOR IS HERE!

2011-06-23T23:28:00.004-04:00

Come visit the brand spankin' new website, Gypsy Love Warrior.

It really is "hot off the press" so check in daily for updates, blog posts, and goodies. & if you feel compelled, leave me some feedback :) I want this to be a fun & welcoming place for gypsy love warriors around the world!

Mini Update

2011-06-20T23:17:00.005-04:00

*A new website/blog is in the making - one that will hopefully be a great inspiration and resource for women everywhere.

*Lots of crafting going on. New items are in the shop, like this little Buddha necklace!

*Drinking an iced hazelnut latte right now and contemplating getting some writing done on a guide I'm putting together for the new website.

*Learning patience.

A Goddess Garden

2011-06-06T16:54:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone! I have a very important announcement to make! I've just opened an Etsy shop called A Goddess Garden - trinkets and treasure for goddesses, mermaids and fairy changeling girls. This is the first step on my creative journey and living my creative dreams, so I'm really excited. There are more goodies in the works and much bigger plans to accompany the Etsy shop. Stay tuned!

Realization

2011-05-14T18:45:00.001-04:00

In every interview I’ve ever been in I get asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I always answer with something that pertains to the company I’m interviewing with, but if I were to be hooked up to a lie detector during that answer, the lines would be off the chart. Deep down inside I don’t want to be working for anyone but myself in five years. Even a year from now I’d love to be financially independent and using my gifts while helping people in the process. I just feel like it’s a waste of time to be sitting in an office most of the day. Think of all the things I could be doing!

Last night I was sitting outside and imagining myself as an old woman looking back at her life and thinking, I wish I would’ve started living my dreams sooner. I don’t want to be that woman. I want to enjoy life now! Not wait until I’m 65.

No matter how good my job is now, it will never satisfy me; it will never fulfill my creative dreams; it will never be what I truly want. I have a higher purpose and I refuse to lose sight of it because the world (or maybe just America) says I have to work a traditional job to “get by.”

It's Here!!!

2011-04-30T16:52:00.006-04:00

Get your copy of my poetry book, Self-Destruction of a Female.

http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/2121036

First Step

2011-04-27T12:41:00.001-04:00

From: Your Money or Your Life: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence, by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin

“Conditions have changed, but we are still operating financially by the rules established during the Industrial Revolution – rules based on creating more material possessions. But our high standard of living has not led to a high quality of life – for us or for the planet.”

I’m changing my thoughts about money, spending, the “American dream,” my priorities, and what it means to work and live. Life’s too short to mess around. I’m not meant to do the 8-5 thing; no one is. I’ve told myself this time and time again, but I keep repeating old ways of thinking. I’m convinced that neither I nor you have to slave away to enjoy life, to get what we want. Sitting in an office for 8 hours is no way to live. It’s not the way I want to live, and I don’t believe God put me here to do so.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I do know that I have a lot of learning and research to do. It’s time to prepare for something greater. It’s time to really live!

Lightning Bug (an old poem)

2011-04-26T17:04:00.003-04:00

photo from we heart it

June midnight
with a pale moon.
The pink oleanders
tap outside my window,
cast shadows in the room.
I lie in bed,
wonder if my eyes will ever close
when suddenly,
a flash of light darts across the sky.
Only from the corner of my eye
do I glimpse the quick glow
of something outside my window.

What could it be?

When I look closer I find
that it's not the sky alive with light,
but the oleanders housing little stars.
Fireflies twinkling,
on
and
off
A still, dark sanctuary
blooming in luminosity.

Discover Who You Truly Are

2011-04-05T17:00:00.002-04:00

I am beautiful, sexy, smart, not because I shop at Victoria's Secret or buy expensive makeup. I am these things naturally. My porcelain skin, strong feet, big eyes, graceful legs make me who I am. I am beautiful, sexy, smart because of my personality and uniqueness, my character. I am quiet, love to hide away with a book, daydream, lovelovelove. These are things money can't buy, and I'll never find my true self at the bottom of a shopping bag.

Who Is Your Truth?

2011-03-30T11:57:00.003-04:00

She is natural, naked,
long tangled hair,
perfectly at ease in her body.
She has a pen in her hand.
Her legs and feet are strong.
Her heart big and delicate.
She doesn't care that she is naked
or that she may never see people again.
No need for makeup or clothes.
Just sunshine, flowers, good fruit,
and the words in her heart.

I'm dreaming about...

2011-03-15T14:31:00.008-04:00

learning french

writing with abandon

fisheye photography

moroccan tea parties

gypsy dresses

dancing in the desert

All photos from weheartit

love letter

2011-01-27T17:02:00.001-05:00

I left my heart in California.

It is buried there,

beneath tree roots and roses.

It blooms in spring

with cala lilies and jacaranda trees.

Butterflies swagger on its petals,

and the sea salt smooths the rough edges.

In winter, my heart is devoured

by the vampire boys and boys with broken wings,

bloodhounds with sandpaper veins who

stalk blood roses in the Hollywood hills.

It is all red flesh and weak,

but the seeds get stomped

back into the ground

by girls in combat boots and pink dresses.

My heart seeks me in all seasons

knowing that a small cloud hangs

where my heart used to be.

A cloud dripping dew

to the rest of me,

wondering if a new heart will grow.

life can be a fairytale

2011-01-11T12:06:00.012-05:00

All images from we heart it

shiny happy things

2010-12-19T19:54:00.006-05:00

Pink Christmas Wishes

2010-12-07T13:07:00.002-05:00

Happy Holidays!

Metamorphosis (Life of a Girl)

2010-10-28T15:37:00.000-04:00

I. Cocoon
We struggle in the dark places.
Bones break.
Wings form underneath the skin,
rip through the back.
We transform in the warmth
of a folded leaf -
always in agony,
always quiet.

II. Transition
A tiny light grows.
The dark gives way to the sun
and the wings unfold -
still weak,
still unsure.
Then we move in a new way.
Once we crawled on our bellies,
now we fly above the flowers.

III. Weathered
Our wings are strong for a long time,
but the days are stronger.
We live and let go
and go back to that place of quiet darkness,
only this time,
not in agony.
The wings fold in -
a cocoon of color,
and that is where we say
goodbye.

Moon Flower

2010-09-23T18:40:00.004-04:00

Photo by: Coop Photography

there is an orange moon
after sunset -
the kind that hangs heavy
in the sky -
low and blossoming
so close
you want to swallow it

All We Need Is Love

2010-09-12T15:29:00.003-04:00

photo by love is the key

"Because we love, ruby-throated hummingbirds sip from plum flowers and the moon sings its silver fragrance to the swans and volcanoes and fields of wheat. Because we love, wild grapevines coil around the roots of the mountain, and mangoes ripen in the smoke of forest fires. Because we love, everything alive swims in an eternal river that glides through our dreams all night long."
~Rob Brezsny

Love List

2010-07-15T11:52:00.002-04:00

tea and laughs with friends/a box full of craft supplies/a surprise antique typewriter and a/beautiful book on faeries/bubble tea/visits from family/singing and dancing in the car with my sister/cheesy waiters/my new bling ring and sparkly gold wallet/Victoria's Secret Very Sexy Now Shimmering Body Lotion/Benefit's High Beam and Benetint/Gala Darling's Love & Sequins (I bought #1 about self-love and it's amazing!)/Kandee and her fabulous makeup tutorials/vintage lingerie photographs/the many cute things my boyfriend says, one being "give me 10 to 15 minutes before you go to bed to cuddle."/the head, shoulders, knees & toes issue of i-d/hot pink nailpolish/taking my sis to Nia class and dancing our butts off

Inspiration

2010-06-17T13:33:00.003-04:00

"Write the thing that

makes you feel the most alive."

~ From Francesca Lia Block's twitter

I needed to hear that.

That Explains It

2010-06-03T13:42:00.002-04:00

"Creative people, like those with psychotic illnesses,

tend to see the world differently to most.

It's like looking at a shattered mirror.

They see the world in a fractured way."

An interesting article on creativity and mental illness:

Creative minds 'mimic schizophrenia'

summer day

2010-05-27T13:34:00.001-04:00

summer day
a blanket of blossoms

rest your tired wings beneath this tree
blooming soft violet

all the worries in your palms
are sent into the wind

your limbs rest easy
in these pools of sun

let's sit among the dandelions
make wishes to the sky

Star Girl

2010-05-06T20:40:00.005-04:00

photo via we heart it

She asked me why my skin glittered &
I said, because I'm made of stars
& so are you.
Then she smiled & I saw the universe.

if you love something...

2010-04-23T15:52:00.003-04:00

image via we heart it

A bird came to me
wounded,
its wings open and tender,
its heart beating fast
from falling.

So I cared for the bird
for many days,
wrapped its wings,
held it in my hands.

Until one day
it wanted to fly away.
And I cried and cried
because I had grown
to love the bird,
but it had healed
and didn’t need me anymore.

So I held it close,
one more time,
to hear its wings
against my heart.
Then I set it free,
hoping that someday
it would come back to me.

When a Woman Loves a Man

2010-04-22T12:07:00.002-04:00

When a Woman Loves a Man
by David Lehman

When she says margarita she means daiquiri.
When she says quixotic she means mercurial.
And when she says, "I'll never speak to you again,"
she means, "Put your arms around me from behind
as I stand disconsolate at the window."

He's supposed to know that.

When a man loves a woman he is in New York and she is in Virginia
or he is in Boston, writing, and she is in New York, reading,
or she is wearing a sweater and sunglasses in Balboa Park and he
is raking leaves in Ithaca
or he is driving to East Hampton and she is standing disconsolate
at the window overlooking the bay
where a regatta of many-colored sails is going on
while he is stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway.

When a woman loves a man it is one ten in the morning
she is asleep he is watching the ball scores and eating pretzels
drinking lemonade
and two hours later he wakes up and staggers into bed
where she remains asleep and very warm.

When she says tomorrow she means in three or four weeks.
When she says, "We're talking about me now,"
he stops talking. Her best friend comes over and says,
"Did somebody die?"

When a woman loves a man, they have gone
to swim naked in the stream
on a glorious July day
with the sound of the waterfall like a chuckle
of water rushing over smooth rocks,
and there is nothing alien in the universe.

Ripe apples fall about them.
What else can they do but eat?

When he says, "Ours is a transitional era,"
"that's very original of you," she replies,
dry as the martini he is sipping.

They fight all the time
It's fun
What do I owe you?
Let's start with an apology
Ok, I'm sorry, you dickhead.
A sign is held up saying "Laughter."
It's a silent picture.
"I've been fucked without a kiss," she says,
"and you can quote me on that,"
which sounds great in an English accent.

One year they broke up seven times and threatened to do it
another nine times.

When a woman loves a man, she wants him to meet her at the
airport in a foreign country with a jeep.
When a man loves a woman he's there. He doesn't complain that
she's two hours late
and there's nothing in the refrigerator.

When a woman loves a man, she wants to stay awake.
She's like a child crying
at nightfall because she didn't want the day to end.

When a man loves a woman, he watches her sleep, thinking:
as midnight to the moon is sleep to the beloved.
A thousand fireflies wink at him.
The frogs sound like the string section
of the orchestra warming up.
The stars dangle down like earrings the shape of grapes.

Question

2010-04-16T15:36:00.002-04:00

If you could jump into one painting, what would it be?

Mine would be Mary Cassatt's "Summertime"

2010-04-16T11:18:00.003-04:00

Photo of Alessandra Ferri via weheartit

Her feet moved like small creatures

over the floor, quiet & unconcerned

with anything but the business of dancing.

(Story of the Day - Story People)

Hearting...

2010-03-25T12:28:00.005-04:00

via we heart it

gypsy love tea (it tastes like roses), red lipstick, wearing dresses, sunshine & blue skies & warm weather, white eyelet dresses, lacey & ruffled things, ballet flats decorated with purple blossoms, picnic baskets, writing, yoga, my beau, pretty teacups with matching saucers, this dress, Tipping the Velvet (an amazing book by Sarah Waters), Alice in Wonderland, neverending inspiration from Francesca Lia Block, lavender

2010-03-11T09:34:00.004-05:00

incurable_hippie

"You can never have too much sky. You can fall asleep and wake up drunk on sky. Here there is too much sadness and not enough sky. Butterflies too are few and so are flowers and most things that are beautiful. Still, we take what we can get and make the best of it."

~Sandra Cisneros

2010-02-25T09:38:00.003-05:00

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exsists. It is real...it is possible...it's yours.

~Ayn Rand

Octopus

2010-02-24T10:28:00.005-05:00

we heart it

sea-bottom
ink blot

2010-02-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

we heart it

Happy Valentine's Day ♥

To-Do = Done

2010-02-11T15:49:00.002-05:00

Looking back at my to-do list from almost a year ago (can you believe it?!):

1. Get over ex (it will be a lot easier when I get back to Texas and not have to see him all the time) Check
2. Get a job (preferably one that I like) Check
3. Keep looking for better jobs if I don't hit the jackpot the first time Check
4. Get a place to live Check
5. Get my wings (tattooed on my back) On the to-do list for this summer
Most importantly - BE HAPPY and find happiness in myself and not in others. No more looking for validation. Love myself. Check check check!!!

Within 10 months so many things I never thought would happen, happened. In fact, it was only three months ago that I was at my breaking point. I was still unemployed with no hope in sight. Even the idea of getting a place of my own seemed impossible. And now, everything has kind of come to me in a whirl wind. I haven't touched ground yet. It still feels frantic and scary and impossible, but what a journey.

I love this fortune cookie fortune I got. I posted it in my journal to remind me that...
"You do not have to know where you are going to be headed in the right direction."

Dose of Courage

2010-01-26T12:06:00.003-05:00

You learn you can do your best even when it’s hard, even when you’re tired and maybe hurting a little bit. It feels good to show some courage. ~ Joe Namath

Courage is more exhilarating than fear, and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve. ~ J.K. Rowling

To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself. ~ Søren Kierkegaard

The spiritual warrior hides from nothing. We jump into the fire, we dive into the ocean. We become the sea. ~ Charlotte Kasl

Isn't That the Truth

2010-01-08T09:23:00.003-05:00

Steven Brisson

When I told him I had a major in
English, he said, too bad for you this
is America & he started me out at
the bottom.

From Story of the Day on Storypeople

2009-12-11T15:22:00.004-05:00

So I was thinking today about how my head is full of characters. Beautiful, wonderful, exciting characters. But none of them have stories. How do I write the stories? Where are they? I sit and I write, I sit and I write, and all that comes out is pages upon pages of character description. I can't make these people do anything!!!

poem about no one

2009-12-09T20:01:00.004-05:00

we ♥ it

she is a lotus
blooming in my throat
stretching and wrapping her roots
around my chakras
she is chamomile on my tongue
strawberry on my lips
this girl is the earth
pulling my feet down
and the sun light
that sinks into me
like teeth in the morning

2009-12-09T19:54:00.003-05:00

anna melcon bond

"Some people hear the rule 'Write every day' and do it and don't improve. They are just being dutiful. That is the way of the Goody Two-shoes. It is a waste of energy because it takes tremendous effort to just follow the rules if your heart isn't into it. If you find that this is your basic attitude, then stop writing. Stay away from it for a week or year. Wait until you are hungry to say something, until there is an aching in you to speak. Then come back."

~Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones

2009-11-23T21:27:00.003-05:00

~Submerged~

"Be in love
with your life."

~Jack Kerouac

2009-11-13T17:30:00.002-05:00

I guess the phoenix was right...

I GOT A JOB!

I got the call at 8:30 this morning that Trinity University wants me on their HR staff. I can't tell you how much of a relief this is.

Thank you for all your prayers and wishes and positive vibes :)

Phoenix Rising

2009-11-12T15:30:00.003-05:00

I dreamed of a phoenix rising -
red and yellow feathers like fire in the sky.
The sun made a halo around her head.

She went to a pool of water to drink.
A coyote sat in front of her -
angry and showing teeth.

She opened her great beak
and swallowed him.
I watched her fly away.

According to this website and several others, to dream of a phoenix is a good sign.

"In Greek mythology, the Phoenix was a bird with great beauty, splendor and longevity. The legend tells us that the Phoenix lived for five hundred years and then retreated to make a nest where she would die. She made a nest of aromatic twigs that would burn from the heat of its own body. The Phoenix is said to rise from its own ashes. It comes alive though the transforming power of fire and it lives again in full splendor. In the Middle Ages, the Phoenix was often used as a symbol for Christ, as he resurrected. This legendary bird is an archetypal dream symbol that brings us positive and powerful images of rebirth. If you dream of the Phoenix, it is most likely that you are receiving message from the unconscious that are telling you that new life and new beginnings are always possible. This bird is a reminder that we have internal powers of regeneration and that we have the power to change things for the better. As you are interpreting this dream, try to visualize a great bird rising up from fire and ash. It is a powerful image, whether produced by a dream or visualization."

Maybe she represents my journey. Maybe I will rise from the ashes. Maybe the coyote is another side of me. The side that is weak, lacking in ambition, deceptive, fearful. The phoenix swallows the coyote and flies away. The stronger part of myself rises above the weakness.

I hope this is true. I've just had a bit of bad news concerning a job I really wanted and worked hard to get. I didn't get it. I feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. I hope I do see the phoenix rise.

Photo by: EHE1985

Things I Have Thought

2009-11-08T21:13:00.004-05:00

~We are all connected in that we are all on different paths. I think that's extraordinary!

~Tonight I realized how full of abundance my life really is. I am surrounded by people who love me and support me, by people who bake me cupcakes and offer their home to me. I have friends to laugh with and family who help me out in times of need. I have a boyfriend who brings me presents because he loves me and thinks about me when we're apart. All of this is worth so much more than lots of money or a job. If I had those things and none of the people in my life, I feel I would be quite miserable.

~Photo from here

2009-10-30T08:00:00.000-04:00

Happy birthday, Ezra.

Life Magic

2009-10-15T13:39:00.004-04:00

"Whatever you focus on will become your reality."
~Laura Bushnell

I'm reading a book by Laura Bushnell called Life Magic, and through it I'm learning a lot about manifestation and focusing my thoughts and changing my attitude. It seems to be working. Yesterday was a testament to the magic life provides if you focus your words and thoughts on positive things and things you want.

Small "coincidences" I noticed yesterday and today:

1) I was in the car listening to the radio and really wanted to hear a certain song that's not played often. I just kept saying in my mind that I wanted that song to be the next song played, and guess what? It was the next song played!

2) My boyfriend and I were having a discussion about getting things organized and how he wanted to create a space specifically for his and his roommate's motorcycle gear, so that it wouldn't be strewn across the floor. We left the apartment for a little while and when we came back his roommate had put hooks in the wall for their jackets and helmets.

3) Another radio incident. There was a second song I wanted to be played and just for extra oomph I decided it should be played on a radio station I hardly listen to. That way I knew I wasn't aware of their rotations. In fact, I wasn't even sure if the band was in their rotation. I turned to that station and guess what? THAT SONG WAS PLAYING!

4) Today, while looking for jobs online, I wished that I could work in the library. No library positions have been open since I started job hunting in May. I decided it was worth a glance today and what do you know? A library position had been posted and today was the last day to apply.

Positive vibrations? Manifestation? Coincidence? A change in attitude and outlook? It doesn't matter. It makes me smile. :)

More life magic to come...

Photo credit: Missleto

A little bit of stream of conciousness

2009-10-03T11:32:00.004-04:00

This morning I'm waking up to rain and cloudy skies, but I'm not allowing myself to harbor negative thoughts. Not about the weather, not about jobs, not about love, not about anything. Because I've come to realize that what we focus on is what manifests. If I am constantly thinking about what negative things could happen, chances are I'm going to be pretty miserable, even if things aren't that bad. It's because I'm looking for the negative. I'm anticipating all the bad that could happen and forgetting about the good. No wonder it seems like nothing ever unfolds for me. When I was younger I felt like good things just fell in my lap. Everything went my way. My dreams were so easy to reach. Probably because I never doubted myself. I never doubted that good things could actually happen to me. I just assumed they would. I had more faith and trust in myself and the world around me. I don't know when things changed. Maybe it was when I first became depressed and I used the "only anticipate bad things and you won't be disappointed when the good things don't happen" coping mechanism. That old way of thinking still sneaks up on me. Sometimes I don't even realize it until I'm crying about situations that haven't even happened! That's no way to live. So today I vow to unleash negative thinking. I choose to meditate on good things. I choose to imagine all the wonderful things that could happen. It's going to be a really hard thing for me to do, but I'm tired of only perceiving misery. I don't want to disconnect or create drama or feel like a little black cloud. Even if it is cloudy today. I don't have to be.

2009-09-28T14:03:00.000-04:00

"Wake at dawn with a winged heart
and give thanks for another day of loving."

~ Kahlil Gibran

2009-08-26T15:44:00.003-04:00

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
~Roald Dahl

Personal Update

2009-08-26T15:02:00.003-04:00

I realize I have not written much personal stuff lately. All of those thoughts are written in my journal. I've written more since May than I did all last year! It's amazing what a shift in life will do to a person. I'm glad the thoughts have been recorded somewhere because it's been a roller coaster ride. I thought it'd be nice to capture some of what I've been up to on Ophelia Blooming. Just in case anyone is curious :)

At the end of May I moved to San Antonio to live with a family friend and look for jobs. San Angelo, my home town, is a small town with little job opportunities, so I jumped at the chance to move to a bigger city where I felt like luck might be on my side.

Wrong!

It's almost September and I still don't have a steady job. I have one temp job I work 2 or 3 times a month and just started another temp assignment yesterday. I'm thankful for these opportunities because they provide a little extra cash, but I have definitely seen my bank account dwindle. It's the scariest thing in the world. I've been on countless interviews (more than 10), but with every promising interview comes another door in the face. At one point, I even had a chance at a dream job - A&E feature writer for the Temple Daily Telegram. I went to the interview and the editor seemed impressed with my skills. She showed me around the newsroom, introduced me to everyone, and it seemed like I had the job in the bag. Just one problem. When the salary issue came up they were not willing to pay me enough to live on my own. I explained I was single and had to support myself and relocate, but it didn't matter. I drove back to San Antonio sad, but also a little relieved. Temple, TX is not the most impressive place to live.

A gazillion interviews later, I'm really starting to feel the frustration of the whole situation. Up until now I've remained relatively calm and optimistic, but last week I cried and cried and cried and felt like I had reached the point of insanity. On Friday I planned to stay in bed, but luckily, my dear friend in Austin invited me to stay the weekend with her and I had a blast. It was a breath of fresh air.

I feel better this week. I went on an interview Monday, worked my temp assignment yesterday, go on a third round interview tomorrow, and also get to work my temp assignment again the rest of the week. It gives me some sense of security, but I know that I'm not guaranteed anything. It's especially heart breaking when you go on three rounds of interviews, do everything perfectly, and still get the door shut in your face.

Aside from job hunting, I have been living my life as normal - but without the luxuries I could afford when I had a job. These include things like: salon visits, shopping sprees, eating out, ballet classes (keep fit at home with yoga and NYCB workout videos), books (learned to use the library), etc. What I've learned from this is that possessions don't own my joy. Yes, I'd L-O-V-E to get my hair done, but I can be content and happy with how it is, knowing that someday I'll be able to afford it again.

What I'm mucho thankful for: family, friends, support, love, and the simple things in life.

Ode on a Grecian Urn

2009-08-12T21:27:00.002-04:00

I am reminded of this poem as I dream of things that have not yet come to be. Is it better to keep these things as dreams? According to John Keats, yes!

Thou still unravish'd bride of quietness,
Thou foster-child of silence and slow time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thou express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fring'd legend haunt about thy shape
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter: therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave
Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
Bold lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal - yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!

Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
Your leaves, nor ever bid the spring adieu;
And, happy melodist, unwearied,
For ever piping songs for ever new;
More happy love! more happy, happy love!
For ever warm and still to be enjoy'd,
For ever panting, and for ever young;
All breathing human passion far above,
That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd,
A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.

Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
What little town by river or sea shore,
Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
Is emptied of this folk, this pious morn?
And, little town, thy streets for evermore
Will silent be; and not a soul to tell
Why thou art desolate, can e'er return.

O Attic shape! Fair attitude! with brede
Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
With forest branches and the trodden weed;
Thou, silent form, dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral!
When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty," - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

Transitions

2009-07-29T12:34:00.002-04:00

I read a declaration from the book Transitions - Prayers and Declarations for a Changing Life by Julia Cameron each day to help ease the rough patches in my life. I especially loved today's.

All my life I believed I knew something. But then one strange day came when I realized that I knew nothing. Yes, I knew nothing.
~Ezra Pound

Trauma can shake our certainty. The shattered faith of trust by a friend, the betrayal by a fickle lover, the cataclysmic loss of a long-standing job, the death of a young person--these and like events may skid us into despair. This is the rocky terrain of the heart, the moonscape of broken dreams. Every life contains times of spiritual bankruptcy, seasons of drought and doubt. Faced by a world made foreign of known markers, I set my own compass toward self-care. With prudence and wisdom, I schedule sleep, food, creation and recreation. Tending myself as I would an ailing friend, I gently rehabilitate my wounded heart.

Today, I am a loving nurse to my ailing spirit. Today, I salve my difficulties with personal compassion. I act toward myself with concrete loving kindness. I set firm but loving limits on my expenditures of energy.

Wishes and Star Prayers

2009-07-19T19:00:00.004-04:00

"Wish on everything. Pink cars are good, especially old ones. And stars of course, first stars and shooting stars. Planes will do if they are the first light in the sky and look like stars. Wish in tunnels, holding your breath and lifting your feet off the ground. Birthday candles. Baby teeth."

"Here you go on this long long dream. Don't even try to wake up. Just let it go on until it is over. You will learn many things. Just relax and observe because there is pain and that's it mostly and you aren't going to be able to escape no matter what. Eventually it will all be over anyway. Good luck."

~ Quotes by Francesca Lia Block
~Wish photo by Beth Retro

*Star Prayer* (a lil poem by me)

Oh, stars
shouting from the sky-
your constellations become dreams
of spoons and bears and fiery lions.
Let them be secrets
you whisper only to me.
Let the moon gather my wishes
and disperse them among you,
and when you die, let your
light rest in the palm of my hand,
that I may find my way
in darkness.

It's Confirmed

2009-07-12T01:45:00.002-04:00

I'm now 100% sure.

13 ways to know you're a changeling ~ by Francesca Lia Block

1. you have never felt as if you quite belonged
2. when you love someone it is like immolation or drowning
3. you yearn for the earth, even fantasize about eating it in handfuls
4. your skin does not seem like your own
5. metal frightens you
6. light on shallow water causes you to gasp
7. as do the carcasses of sea lions prepared by taxidermists for the coldly lit cases of dark museums
8. touch is one of the only ways you know to get back to yourself
9. but with the wrong human it can take you farther away until you almost cease to exist
10. you have repeated dreams of flying even though it takes tremendous effort and feels more like running a race
11. you have abandonment issues without necessarily any obvious cause
12. you are always secretly seeking ways to hurt yourself, as if this might prove to whoever is in charge that your tasks are done
13. hopefully, when you are young you discover something called love, which is really just another name for going home

The Great Tragedy

2009-07-11T00:48:00.003-04:00

Why is writing an ordeal? When did it become a chore? Why do I turn it into something complex? When I was younger I couldn't wait to get to the page. I spent hours in school writing stories in Lisa Frank notebooks. I just sat down and wrote and the stories came to me. The process made me happy. Now it's like pulling teeth. Now I hold my head in my hands like I've just experienced a tragedy. I guess when you try too hard at anything it becomes complex. Why can't I stop trying and just DO???

Photo by Adam Lyon

Sweet Dream

2009-07-07T20:29:00.003-04:00

I had a dream about the sky. It was a perfect night sky with a full moon and flashes of orange light in the shape of clouds. The reason was unknown. And there were millions of shooting stars darting across the sky and all the constellations were drawn out and illuminated in neon greens and pinks. Wouldn't it be fascinating to see something like that?

girls + glasses = ♥

2009-06-27T19:24:00.013-04:00

I don't wear "real" glasses, but I love the plastic readers as an accessory.

Source: We heart it

2009-06-23T23:46:00.003-04:00

Writing is sexy, rock 'n roll magic,
cherry-red lipstick in the backseat.
It is fast cars, midnight downtown.

Writing is also quiet summer Sundays,
wispy white clouds and sea breezes.
Words form rainbows in the water.

Writing moves through your veins,
through your body-
sex, drugs, meditation-
whatever you want it to be,
it will be.
Writing will move you.

Rules To Live By

2009-06-16T16:16:00.003-04:00

* Eat more cake.

* Wear 5 inch heels.

* Dream. Believe. Wish on everything.

* Own at least 1 pair of wings.

* Dance - especially with your friends. Even if you don't think you can dance.

* Live in the moment. See today as a pop-up book.

* Be thankful for what has been, what is, and what is to come.

* Read lots and lots of books.

* Bloom where you are planted.

* Let yourself write. It doesn't have to be perfect.

* Think good thoughts.

* Be inspired.

* Surround yourself with things and people you love.

* Listen to bad pop music every once in awhile.

* Pray and listen.

* Get plenty of sunshine. Don't forget the sunblock.

* Go outside your comfort zone.

* Exercise.

* Have faith.

* Lend a helping hand.

* Use your talents.

* Remember that happiness comes and goes, but joy is from the heart.

* Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Feel free to contribute to the list. What are your rules to live by?

Love Letter to My Nightmare

2009-06-12T17:52:00.008-04:00

An older story...

I dreamt of falling and twisted, black clouds. I dreamt of night and standing at the edge of a pool of blue-black water. A pool of banshees. They were gray-smoke ghosts with bony faces and wet-straw hair. They surrounded you. You were in the middle of the pool, not treading water, not drowning, just standing upright and looking at me. The banshees looked at me, too. You held out your hand and said, “Come into the water. I won’t let them hurt you. I’ll save you from this.” I have loved you for so long. I could not see the banshees anymore, so I slipped into the water to be with you. And then, I dreamt of being pulled down, down into liquid darkness. I could see your face, blurry with water. You only looked at me as I raised my hand to you. You only looked at me as the banshees took me deeper. Why didn’t you save me?

These are my nightmares to you. I am not able to tell you what really lives inside my heart. I can only write how it feels to live underneath your shadows. Shadows blocking the light. Shadows that I love. I wish I could hate you and your menagerie of demons. I try to let you go, but you’re always there, beckoning me to stay, telling me your heart hurts without mine. But I believe your heart is numb. Has it ever been bruised? Has it ever bled for another? I wanted so much to be the one you bled for. I wanted to be the one who could bring tears to your eyes, but all of this only happened to me. I bled. I cried. I watched the sun color the sky pink at sunset with you. I watched the stars as they spun around us at midnight. I did so many things with you and pretended that it would last forever. “It will,” you said. “I love you.” I love you too, and the world collapsed.

I dreamt of stars -
The one named after me -
The one you gave me.
It falls and fades into the black canopy.
Everything is so fragile
And my veins bleed onto my skin.

There’s this feeling I get when I’m around you. On the surface it looks like love or lust or some kind of emotion that would lead me to wrap my arms around your neck and smile, like I owned the world. But in all honesty, within the deeper parts of my bruised heart, I hate you. I always have. You say I’m everything to you. You say I’m beautiful, but it will never be enough because your words are empty.

Look, here I am - Juliet, the girl who wants to find her Romeo. I hold onto you like you are him. Like you have come to save me and love me with everything inside your spirit. You put me on a balcony. Made me feel like I was the sun you were spinning around. You climbed my balcony and said the sweetest things and the stars sang. I had found my Romeo. But like all great tragedies, people must die. But Juliet is the only one who dies in mine because Romeo was never Romeo at all. He was only the poison that killed her.

When I was a little girl I saw a boy with wings. He was a performer at a party. He was ivory colored, his hair much darker than his skin, and his eyes were aqua blue. He wore black angel wings that glittered purple when the light hit them just right. He would dance among the others - the women dressed in silk roses, tiaras, long black eyelashes, and the boys wearing black, silk capes. Everyone danced and did magic. Some nights I would follow him outside. All the stars seemed to fall around him as he caressed the wings. He never took them off.

I believed in magic then, but I have forgotten now - how to see the magic in life. I used to see it in everything, even the ugly and tragic, but now I only see your heart devouring mine. You are the wild beast in my nightmares. You are the darkness hiding in the light. You are the muse drinking all my tears and then spitting them back at me. You are the fingers plucking off my wings. Why can’t I let go of you? It’s as if I enjoy grasping onto pain. How do I let go of these things? Let go of the banshees. Let go of the banshees. They do not love you and you cannot change them.

If your heart could feel, let it feel this. Let it feel meaningless words and glass shattered hearts and tears that burn. Let it feel the pain of loving someone and not being able to touch them. Let it feel the frantic spirit aching, aching for a love it cannot obtain. Let it feel.

I dreamt we were running through a never ending garden of rose bushes. You ran from me. I could hear you laughing. I smiled and laughed and let my hands sweep across the roses as I ran for you. You stopped and turned towards me. You said, “Open your hands to me.” I did, and only then did I see the thorns cutting into my skin - my bleeding hands held out to you, aching and wanting your touch. My heart was open to you, too. It had been bleeding all along.

Don’t let me remember your hard skin and tattoos. Don’t let me remember your words in the middle of the night as your body rose beneath mine. Don’t let me remember because those thoughts are waves crashing on my open heart – the salty sea cutting deeper, stinging the wounds.

You always say, “I have done so much for you. How can you hate me? I’m the best you’ve ever had.” And you want to be my friend. And you won’t let me let go because you need me. You need me now, but not later. Why won’t your heart break? How can you love me and not break? Why must I chase after you and pick up the pieces of my own heart after you’ve stepped all over them?

I know you don’t love me half as much as I love you. You say, “You don’t know how I feel,” but I do because you tell me in my sleep.

I dreamt of bleeding wrists. I tried to drink the blood back into my heart, but it tasted like your skin. Not filling, not healing, but I continued to drink because it tasted like you.

I dreamt of a place made of light. I was happy there. You came to live there, too and I saw you and my innermost being blossomed, but then it began to rain and the light faded. It wouldn’t stop raining, but I kept telling myself that it would and that as long as you were there nothing would cause me pain. The light was gray, but I held onto hope because I knew happiness would return. When the rain stopped we would be happy. We would live forever in the light. The rain never stopped.

You are gone now, but it doesn’t mean that I’ve let you go. I’m so afraid of this silence and this infinite black space that surrounds me now. It breaks over my skin and stings the soft spots – the parts of me you bruised. It hurts to dream of this silence.

I closed my eyes and dreamt of the black. It wrapped around me like black wings. The wings I had seen so long ago were here again, brushing against my face, cradling the healing heart. This was not a nightmare and you were finally dead inside your artificial light, but were you really? Had I really let go of you?

For I never woke up.

*All photos via we heart it. If any belong to you, please let me know and I will give proper credit.

New Blog in Town

2009-06-09T23:12:00.003-04:00

Visit me and my blog partner Suzanne in our new asylum!

The Wednesday Chronicles

For all your dark and dreary needs...

O Percy, how I love thee

2009-06-07T01:05:00.002-04:00

Photo by: black of hearts

"A poet is a nightingale,
who sits in darkness and
sings to cheer its own
solitude with sweet sounds."

~Percy Bysshe Shelley

old notebook quotes

2009-05-31T16:03:00.004-04:00

photo by l.locke

"Who we love is beyond our control."
~FLB Wasteland

photo by TA.D

"Some nights are made for torture, or reflection, or the savoring of loneliness."
~Poppy Z. Brite

photo by vokaris

"Think of your pain like a bunch of red roses, a beautiful thorn necklace. Everyone has one."
~FLB Witchbaby

Road to Somewhere

2009-05-23T17:59:00.006-04:00

I'm beginning to feel like I live out of boxes.

Tomorrow I'm on the road again...

photo by bubbo-tubbo

Walking down the Mercer Street
Been a long hot summer
Rain like daggers comin' down on me
Got a feeling it's too late
But alone together
Could be we might start it up all over again

Dream dream it's not too late
Sweet road to somewhere else
Listen to the radio
Are you calling

3 o'clock I'm on my way
On the road to somewhere
Little clouds like wounds that blow away
Listening to the radio like a friend that guides me
Playing out every song we used to know

Bring it on
Come along
On the road to somewhere
Take our time
See the signs
On the road to somewhere

~Goldfrapp

water lilies on a spring day

2009-05-17T21:17:00.008-04:00

I've decided to move to San Antonio in hopes that there is more opportunity for me there. I have someone to stay with while I look for a job, but it's still going to be lonely. This is the first time I will have lived in an unfamiliar city with no friends or boyfriend to rely on. This is all me. And I'm incredibly nervous. The good thing is that my family will only be about 3 1/2 hours away, but I will still miss them.

Choices and decisions have been on my mind a lot. They are scary things. What if I make the wrong choice? What if things go horribly? What if, what if, what if....

I've found a few gems of knowledge to share with you here. Also, some photos I took today at the lily pond.

"It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
~J.K. Rowling

"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith. Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith."
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions."
~ Deepak Chopra

"Choice by choice, moment by moment, I build the necklace of my day, stringing together the choices that form artful living."
~ Julia Cameron

"At some point your heart will tell itself what to do."
~ Achaan Chah

My quarter-life crisis

2009-05-05T22:23:00.008-04:00

You never know what's going on behind the curtain. From the audience it seems like everyone has it going on. Everyone is making more money than you, creating more, has more friends, moving up in the world, happier, and just generally making a real contribution. But honestly, we're all just fumbling around in the dark wondering how everyone else is making it.

No one talks about this quarter-life crisis thing. No one cares about the twenty something population. I feel like being a twenty something is like walking a tight rope from childhood to adulthood, and you never know when you're going to fall flat on your stomach and have the wind knocked out of you.

I'm 26, but just now beginning to realize that this is what I'm going through. Growing through. I thought it was just me being a huge failure, but apparently it's quite common. That's good to know. But when does it end? When do I feel like I've finally "made it"?

The job search is awful. I'm trying to decide whether I need to stay in my hometown and continue to look for a so-so job in which to pay bills with and save money or if I should move on to the big city and continue my search there. I could get to the city and have the same bout of bad luck, but I don't see that I have anything to lose. I like having the comfort of my friends and family though. This is what it all comes down to. Getting out of my comfort zone. Taking a bit of a risk. Either way, I will probably end up losing money.

Decisions, decisions.

small note to self

2009-04-23T21:14:00.003-04:00

Both photos via we heart it

To Do

2009-04-15T17:43:00.005-04:00

Photo by: Mike Postnov

1. Get over ex (it will be a lot easier when I get back to Texas and not have to see him all the time)
2. Get a job (preferably one that I like)
3. Keep looking for better jobs if I don't hit the jackpot the first time
4. Get a place to live
5. Get my wings (tattooed on my back)

Most importantly - BE HAPPY and find happiness in myself and not in others. No more looking for validation. Love myself.

And as you can see, "get in a relationship" is nowhere on my list of things to do. I've realized that my life is the main course. Boys are just desserts. And sometimes the main course is so fulfilling that you don't want dessert.

p.s. Thank you all for your hugs and kind words. You guys inspire me every day and remind me that there is much to live for and that this hurt won't last forever. :)

Moving on

2009-04-13T10:37:00.003-04:00

Sorry I have not posted in a little while. My life is a bit topsy-turvy at the moment and I'm trying to settle my soul into what's actually happening. Breakups are always ground shaking, but especially when they're quite unexpected and when you not only lose your boyfriend, whom you've been with for almost 5 years, but when you also lose your best friend. And also your best dog friend. And also....well, there is always loss in these kind of things, but I'm dealing with the grief and moving on because if I know life, I know that it has a way of turning the sour lemons into lemonade.

I'm packing up my things and will be moving back to Texas at the end of the week, so I may be flighty. I have to find a job and figure out a way to support myself so I don't always have to rely on people. I have to get rid of my old patterns so I don't end up in this situation again. And for once, I have to do what I love. Follow my dreams. Remember who I am and why I'm here.

2009-04-06T19:36:00.002-04:00

Via weheartit

I've been meaning to post this quote for a few days, but it's more relevant now than ever...

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
~Joseph Campbell

2009-03-31T20:49:00.003-04:00

photo: Denis Kornilov

"Writing isn't about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. In the end, it's about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It's about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy. Writing is magic, as much the water of life as any other creative art. The water is free. So drink. Drink and be filled up."

~Stephen King

ocean girl

2009-03-30T21:49:00.013-04:00

i want the ocean and blue skies and summer sun...

photo: the kooks

photo: rattlesnakefur

fashiontainment via we heart it

photo: guills

i am fashion via we heart it

photo: Big Green Eyes

photo: littlegirlblue

2009-03-18T12:56:00.004-04:00

Hey gang!

Check me out on Thirteen Myna Birds today! My poem "I Heart California" has joined the latest formation, along with a photo of my fresh ink.

Thirteen Myna Birds is an online publication run by Juliet Cook, who also runs Blood Pudding Press. She describes TMB as "an online poetry publication seeking the evocative, the connotative, the creepy, the odd, the paranormal, and the dark." It's a flight formation of delicious poetry, so check it out!

note to self

2009-03-17T11:33:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow doesn’t exist. So stop looking at the weekly forecast and dreading the rain that might come. Put the laundry basket down. Forget about the files on your desk. Live for today. Live for the tangerine sunrise and midnight milky way. Observe how the freshly planted daffodils welcome the sun by lifting their heads to the sky. Take a deep breath in, then breathe out all that holds you back from being your best self – today! Tomorrow doesn’t exist.

my first tattoo

2009-03-14T22:44:00.004-04:00

After a month of going back and forth, yesterday was the breaking point for me. I could not stop thinking about getting this tattoo. So today, I did it! "All the poems written in your skin" is a lyric from the song "Some People" by Goldfrapp. I got it on my left forearm. When I first heard it I had one of those moments when I felt like it was written just for me.

What does it mean to me? A couple of things. First, it's to remind me that there's always poetry inside of me. Secondly...I've always been inspired by scars. Each one has it's own story. Each one is a poem. I don't know how many times I've written about my own scars. They always seem to be the main subject in a lot of what I write. So the second meaning, and the most important one, is quite literal. All the poems really are written in my skin.

2009-03-13T13:32:00.002-04:00

"I have stretched ropes from steeple to steeple;
garlands from window to window;
golden chains from star to star, and I dance."
~Arthur Rimbaud (French Poet)

*p.s. If the above illustration is yours, please let me know and I'll give you proper credit.

Quarter-life crisis

2009-03-11T12:46:00.004-04:00

I can sit and look at this painting all day. It's currently my desktop wallpaper and I find myself entranced by the mood it creates. I stare as if I'm really at this park watching the women in their little boat, enjoying a summer day. I imagine my fingers creating ripples in the cool of the water. And I haven't forgotten the bits of bread for the duckies.

There is peace in this painting. Especially when I turn around and see the windows framing a gray sky. All the trees are still dead and I'll be wearing a sweater by the week's end.

My spirit is agitated and restless. I know that at least part of it is due to s.a.d., but another part is because I'm trying to find my place in the world. A nice, little boat to guide me through the journey. A place where my heart isn't frazzled.

Writing is my oxygen and yet, right now it feels like only an afterthought. I feel like I'm holding my breath until 5:00 p.m...everyday. I reallyreallyreally hate that feeling.

BUT, I shall not end on a negative note. There is much to be thankful for, much to love. Especially this hope in spring.

p.s. "Sometimes when you're ready for a change and you kind of know it but won't admit it, when it comes, not only are you surprised, but it hurts."

winter winter go away

2009-03-07T00:33:00.005-05:00

twentythree via we heart it

All I want to do
is sit in the sun for awhile

and burn

burn

until the bone
is exposed.

2009-02-28T23:17:00.003-05:00

I love being able to stop and see. Everything. All the details we're too busy to notice when we're in our heels click-clacking across corporate floors, answering telephones, doing laundry. But today I went to my creative space and lay on the floor and saw the bottom of a mosaic plate illuminated by a cluster of candles sitting on top. I thought, wow. The world's beauty is in soap bubbles, little specks of dust, galaxy shards, tiny things swept under the rugs that we stomp on day after day because we're too busy to notice small treasures. That's what I hate about life. That even when I'm not busy, I'm busy. The busy ghost presses his hands into my back and pushes me one way or the other to do this or that. I want to stop to see, to think, to breathe. I want to put my ear to the soil and listen for the ants. I want to daydream, fly a kite, run my hands through thick, green grass. But there's so much noise. So much pushing. I enjoy hearing nothing but the tick-tock of the clock. That and the sound of my heart, which tells me that, yes, I am still alive. Not a zombie, not a robot, not a girl caged between fluorescent lit walls.

nineteen and under

2009-02-16T18:34:00.010-05:00

photo by gasolinexrain

dear glossy cover girl
with poetry written on your hands
how did you get to be friends
with goddess muse hero woman
did you tell her you are sad
did you tell her you feel fat
and that boys hate you
that you are not popular
even though you have Cosmo hair
a button nose, raspberry gloss-covered lips
i could have been you, too
so many years ago
but i guess i'm all washed up now
just another girl grown up
no more kittens in the clouds
no pukka shells framing my collar bone
muse goddess wants no part of that
she is old herself
looking for a wishing well
inside your palms
poetry like pennies
a thousand broken hearts
and she has to save them
she has to cradle the babies
who write stories about faeries
but she cannot save me
i have expired

A Quick Hello

2009-02-11T15:02:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to pop in and say please forgive my absence as of late! Last week I was in Texas visiting family and came back with an upper respiratory infection, which has kept me out of sorts. I'll be back soon with a better post :)

2009-01-28T10:29:00.008-05:00

Photo by Smaragdin

I've been thinking a lot about my creative path to success and realized I'm not exactly where I intended to be.

In a counseling session many moons ago I was instructed to create a life map. It could be any medium, so I literally drew a map with winding roads and I put a car at the beginning of the road and its first stop was college. I wanted to finish college with a bachelor's degree, maybe a masters or MFA if I was feeling particularly ambitious. The next stop was a job I would enjoy and a job that would further my career in the publishing world. I drew two options for places I would find this job. Palm trees for California. Skyscrapers for New York. I was not going to stay in Texas past my college graduation. That was just out of the question.

I can't remember where the winding road led. I think it trailed off the paper to happily ever after.

But here's the thing. A) I fell in love at age 20. That certainly wasn't on the life map. Up until that point I thought boys hated me. I thought I'd be single forever. No man to tie me down. Fortunately, it did happen. There were some bumps along the way (some very bumpy bumps), but here we are almost 5 years later.

B) I finished college and took a job at a local magazine, but I hated it! It probably didn't help that I was working for a magazine whose theme didn't interest me in the least bit, but I am grateful for the experience.

C) Bills, bills, bills, and all the extra stuff life throws at you that costs mucho dinero. I quit my job at the magazine to be with my boyfriend in "small town" Florida. Lack of jobs, for sure. I had to get something before my savings ran out. I didn't have time to think about whether or not this or that job would further my writing career. When you have to pay the bills and there aren't a lot of job options, you take what you can get! Of course my family and boyfriend helped me and I did get a rather interesting job at a funeral home, so again, I'm grateful.

D) Must go where the money is. It's true that my boyfriend chose a lucrative career in the computer world and he'll probably always make more money than me. That's why we moved to Tennessee. I didn't have to follow him. I could've decided to go at it single and move to New York and live in a box and maybe get a job as an editorial assistant, but I didn't. There's love again.

So...I didn't go completely off the life path. I graduated college, got a job in publishing, and moved out of state, but things didn't go exactly as planned. Do they ever?

I'm not unhappy and I don't regret anything. I'm grateful for all the experiences, but I have been thinking...and it's always the same thing. When will I be able to do something I half care about? If I had it my way, I'd stay home and write. Not worry about a full-time job, but that's not possible at this time. I have bills. My boyfriend has bills. There's money, but not enough to go around.

And it's not that I dread going to work everyday. My job is all right. But I don't care about any part of it and I hate that feeling. I know I won't put my all into anything I do because my heart isn't in it. And it doesn't seem like there are a lot of options for me in this neck of the woods.

The good thing is I can go home, leave work at work, and continue working on the things I do love and care about. I can be a writer wherever I am in life.

No Harvest Ripening

2009-01-19T18:29:00.004-05:00

A poem by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Come quickly, winter, for the heart belies
The truth of these warm days. These August skies
Are all too fair to suit the times - so kind
That almost they persuade the treacherous mind
It still is summer and the world the same.
These gaudy colors on the hills in flame
Are out of keeping with the nun's attire
We wear within - of ashes, not of fire.

Season of ripening fruit and seeds, depart;
There is no harvest ripening in the heart.

Bring the frost that strikes the dahlias down
In one cruel night. The blackened buds, the brown
And wilted heads, the crippled stems, we crave -
All beauty withered, crumbling to the grave.
Wind, strip off the leaves, and harden, Ground,
Till in your frozen crust no break is found.

Then only, when man's inner world is one
With barren earth and branches bared to bone,
Then only can the heart begin to know
The seeds of hope asleep beneath the snow;
Then only can the chastened spirit tap
The hidden faith still pulsing in the sap.

Only with winter-patience can we bring
The deep-desired, long-awaited spring.

Sweet Saturday

2009-01-17T21:29:00.007-05:00

Tonight I made "Outrageously Thick Spanish Hot Chocolate with Churros" from Sticky, Chewy, Messy, Gooey by Jill O'Connor. Here's the recipe for the hot chocolate if you're in the mood for something super rich and chocolaty. This recipe serves six. (I didn't make the churros).

Ingredients:
6 cups whole milk
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/4 cup dutch-processed cocoa powder
3/4 cup sugar
pinch of salt
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
8-12 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped (I used chocolate chips)

Pour 5 1/2 cups of the milk into a large, heavy-bottomed saucepan. In a small bowl or cup, stir together the cornstarch, cocoa powder, sugar, and salt. Add the remaining 1/2 cup of milk to form a smooth paste. Heat the milk over medium heat and just before it begins to boil, whisk in the cocoa mixture. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly, and cook for 1 minute, or until the mixture thickens slightly. Remove from the heat and stir in the vanilla and about 8 ounces of the chocolate. Stir until the chocolate is completely melted and combined. Taste the hot chocolate; if desired, stir in 4 more ounces of chocolate (or to taste) for an even richer flavor. Set aside and keep warm.

Today I visited the Book Eddy and came across Anne Morrow Lindbergh's The Unicorn & Other Poems. I've been reading her other book, Gift from the Sea, so it was pure serendipity and such a sweet moment to find this old book of poetry. Plus, there was a little note inside, written in 1973. I believe this note was written for me...

"From the woman who gave you 'Gifts from the Sea' - to my favorite unicorn - hope you enjoy it."

Magical...

Here is a poem, from the book, I absolutely adore:

"The Man and the Child"

It is the man in us who works;

Who earns his daily bread and anxious scans
The evening skies to know tomorrow's plans;
It is the man who hurries as he walks;
Finds courage in a crowd; shouts as he talks;
Who shuts his eyes and burrows through his task;
Who doubts his neighbor and who wears a mask;
Who moves in armor and who hides his tears.
It is the man in us who fears.

It is the child in us who plays;
Who sees no happiness beyond today's;
Who sings for joy; who wonders, and who weeps;
It is the child in us at night who sleeps.
It is the child who silent turns his face,
Open and maskless, naked of defense,
Simple with trust, distilled of all pretense,
To sudden beauty in another's face-

It is the child in us who loves.

2009-01-13T21:13:00.007-05:00

If you're a fan of Francesca Lia Block you'll love this video of her talking about and reading from her new book, How to (Un)Cage a Girl.

*sigh*

Will you join the dance...

2009-01-07T22:54:00.009-05:00

The body says what words cannot.
~Martha Graham

The main thing is dancing, and before it withers away from my body, I will keep dancing till the last moment, the last drop.
~Rudolph Nureyev

Dancing is my gift and my life…God gave me this gift to bring delight to others. I am haunted by the need to dance. It is the purest expression of every emotion, earthly and spiritual. It is happiness.
~Anna Pavlova

Don't dance for the audience; dance for yourself.
~Bob Fosse

Dance till the stars come down from the rafters. Dance, Dance, Dance till you drop.
~W.H. Auden

All photos from we heart it

2009-01-07T13:45:00.009-05:00

Everyone is so grown up or has this I'm-an-adult-now attitude, and quite frankly, it confuses me. Maybe not confuses, but makes me wonder why. I'll be in a conversation about childhood things with a group of people and all I see are smiles and excitement and general giddiness. It's what happens when people talk about what they loved as a child. Movies, games, books. "The good old days." But as soon as I pull out my My Little Pony fruit snacks everyone crumples their face as if to say, "What the heck are you doing eating My Little Pony fruit snacks at 26?"

"Yes, it's My Little Pony," I say. "And I have Build-A-Bear fruit snacks too. In fact, I even went to Build-A-Bear the other day and stuffed my own rabbit. I also bought a fairy outfit for her."

Well, that is when everyone loses it and I could care less. Why do I participate in such silliness? Because it's fun! It makes me smile, keeps me young, keeps my mind buzzing with creativity. I'm not going to pass up colorful little pony squishy food because they're meant for a 5 year old. Why would I do that if it's something I want? Why would I stop reading faerie tales or dressing rabbits because I'm "too old?" One is never too old for anything. That's what I say. Well, perhaps throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery store would be taking it a bit too far.

You know what I mean though? It's the age old conversation about getting older and putting away childish things. Losing your childlike mind, yadda yadda.

Nurturing your inner child doesn't mean you're immature.

I learned to shrug it off years ago. Actually, I don't think it ever bothered me. If I had a dollar every time someone has said, "Cassandra, it's not all about faeries and magic," I'd be super rich. I have observed that people only say that when they're struggling with reality and I'm not being dragged down with them. It's not that I live in a fantasy 24/7. I have a healthy balance of dreams and waking moments, but I would hatehatehate to come down from the clouds for too long.

I guess that has more to do with being a Romantic than being a child, but perphaps children are Romantics.

ANYwhichway, I think next time I get a funny look whilst I'm eating kiddy fruit snacks, I shall offfer one. I'm a bit annoyed I didn't do it this time, but I'm sure the opportunity will present itself again. :)

A sweet bottle

2009-01-01T15:16:00.003-05:00

I wanted to mention that I found the most adorable bottle of champagne last night and couldn't resist buying it. What's a ballerina supposed to do when she's confronted with a champagne label that has this on it?!

And look~the top is pink with pointe shoes :)

For the record, it was a pretty good champagne, but not sweet at all. Nevertheless, I drank three glasses and passed out. That is to say, I fell asleep! Not a drunken passed out.

And I do have many resolutions for the new year. Ones I believe I can keep. They mostly have to do with publishing poetry, and my dance resolutions never cease. There are so many things to work on!

Here's to another year of adventure...

2009-01-01T13:12:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year!

Hope 2009 is the most magical of all :)

2008-12-30T18:31:00.001-05:00

Photo by Today is a good day

"For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."

~T.S. Eliot

Christmas Magic

2008-12-23T10:08:00.006-05:00

I'm actually going to miss Christmas once it's over. Even though I'm not able to be with my family this year, this is the first time in a long time I've actually enjoyed being in the spirit and watching the old animated Christmas shows and listening to music. It's a familiar feeling, like the time before I found out Santa wasn't real.

I was a faithful child to Santa. I never stopped believing because of all the logical reasons children stop. Never for a minute did I not believe in the magic. Santa *was* magic. That's how he got everything accomplished. I could never understand why the other children didn't believe. "Magic isn't even real!" they'd say. I never understood that. That's why my world was shattered the night I found out Santa wasn't real. Somehow it all clicked. I realized the stories weren't true and magic really didn't exist. Just like everyone had said.

My family continues to laugh at the dramatic display I put on that night. I cried like nobody's business, but it really *did* shatter everything I had ever believed in and Christmas was never the same after that. Even up until now I have had a lackluster spirit about the whole thing. But this year...this year has been good. I don't know what changed.

Maybe I just let myself believe in the magic again.

2008-12-20T13:21:00.002-05:00

Photo by miss_blackbutterfly

There are pieces of light inside of me that I must give. "Give your light," is what I heard. Not just at Christmas, but every day, because there is a lot of light to give. So there are secret things to be done. Little stars plucked from the galaxy. If you should come upon one, keep it close!

Vacation at home

2008-12-14T14:07:00.001-05:00

Monday~
Christmas shopping
jingle bells
gold & silver tinsel stars
mosaic candle holders
tea lights
floating stars
gingerbread cookies
Fantasia
purple skirt
A Little Princess

Tuesday~
gift wrapping
painting
envelope addressing
reading
body shimmer
glitter everywhere
pad thai

Wednesday~
lunch with boyfriend
watching faerie tales
new poetry
watercolor flowers
dreamy music
wearing pajama pants all day (except for lunch out) ;)

Thursday~
being mama bear (boyfriend had 6 teeth extracted)
naps
rainy day

Friday~
bread bowls full of soup
mailing gifts
chai tea latte
more poetry
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
flickr inspiration
writing

Saturday~
laziness
dinner and games with friends

Sunday~
more laziness
sleeping until 1 p.m.
last recharge before back to work

New/Old Soul

2008-12-13T00:16:00.003-05:00

1. february 19th, 2. Pressed flowers, 3. Beyond the Magical Doorway, 4. polaroid, 5. Untitled, 6. stars, 7. #169, 8. Vintage covers, 9. Away, 10. little boats...., 11. Untitled, 12. (280) Note to Self:, 13. it's beginning to look a lot like christmas, 14. The nest of the Unicorn, 15. Winter White, 16. dreamy market

2008-12-12T13:25:00.004-05:00

Photo by CinemaCowgirl

"If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it."

~Toni Morrison

The Cottingley Faeries

2008-12-10T16:16:00.006-05:00

"Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you on this earth. Sometimes you catch them. They can be the hands of the people you love. They can be your pets- pups with funny names, cats with ferocious old souls. The thing that keeps you here can be your art. It can be things you have collected and invested with a certain sense of meaning. A flowered, buckled treasure chest of secrets. Shoes that make you taller and, therefore, closer to the heavens. A suit that belonged to your fairy godmother. A dress that makes you feel a little like the Goddess herself.

Sometimes you keep falling; you don't catch anything.

Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don't.

Sometimes they catch you."

From Necklace of Kisses
~Francesca Lia Block

Moon and Apple

2008-12-03T15:46:00.004-05:00

Find more photos here

When the apple tree blooms,

the moon comes often like a blossom,

paler than any of them,

shining over the tree.

It is the ghost of the summer,

the white sister of the blossoms who returns

to drop in on us,

and radiate peace with her hands

so that you shouldn't feel too bad when the hard times come.

For the Earth itself is a blossom, she says,

on the star tree,

pale with luminous

ocean leaves.

~Rolf Jacobsen

Book Update

2008-12-03T10:09:00.003-05:00

Dear Hilda,

I thought it might be good for me to say hello, as I have not thought of you or Ezra for quite some time. Other ~~friends~~ characters and stories have pushed their way through. It was inevitable, was it not? I don't feel bad about putting you in the backseat. I mean, you're still in the car, right? There are just other things that need to be taken care of before I can focus on you and Ezra. I think it's best that I take a break from Ezra anyway. I'm sure you agree, as you know how persistent he can be. And rude.

Anyhow, I still care dearly for you and will return to you again...someday. Who knows. Maybe this letter will find you in the most ambitious state and you'll climb over the car seats and ride shotgun again.

XoXo,

~Cassandra

Dresses to dream about...

2008-12-02T13:35:00.006-05:00

Aren't these dresses dreamy? Perhaps it's the first time in my life when I want to wear a white dress instead of a black one. I especially love the soft pink one on the far left, but it's no longer available. I've been dress hunting for days, but haven't been able to find one that steals my heart. And of course now that I don't want a black dress, that's all I see. Where are you my shimmery winter white love dress? It also seems that there is no such thing as a pair of glittery white tights, unless you're 5 and in a ballet recital. I found all kinds of other glittery tights -grey, black, purple. But no white.

You see, I'm going to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra Christmas concert in three weeks and I want to have the perfect outfit. It's not often that I get to glam it up for the holidays, so I want to have something really fun and whimsical this year. Not that icky red plaid dress I wore to the Nutcracker two years ago. It's not really icky, but I don't want to wear it.

So, that is the dilemma.

2008-11-25T08:24:00.005-05:00

Image by tiger lily and tiny teeth

"Be as a bird perched on a

frail branch that she feels

bending beneath her, still

she sings away all the same,

knowing she has wings."

~Victor Hugo

(French Writer)

And winter came

2008-11-24T15:04:00.008-05:00

Lately, I have been enjoying my wings. The ones that never disappear. Even under all the black there is the glitter. I look like Violet and I think like Claire.

faeries, pure white, winter stars, whimsical crafts, lots of dancing, exploring

I have to fill my mind with these things. It's important to remember my wings this time of year.

Rainy and dark today. Saturday was cloudy and I woke up depressed without even knowing it was cloudy. I have seasonal affective disorder and have just kind of lived with it for many years. Texas has mostly sunny winters so it wasn't as hard to combat, but here, the clouds roll in and stay a spell. A very long spell, or what seems long to me. I think a week of gloomy weather could drive me insane. I felt that way Saturday. I knew something had to be done if I was already feeling horrible in November.

I saw an ad in the Metropulse for a place called Green Earth Emporium selling salt lamps. I had read about the lamps in the past. They are supposed to be good for a number of reasons, one being that they release negative ions, which boost energy levels, get rid of headaches, clean the air, etc. I have also read that the glow is beneficial for people with s.a.d. It may all be hocus pocus, but I'm willing to try. And if nothing else, it's quite nifty looking. Also, I can't afford light therapy lamps at this time. It might be something I need to invest in though.

The highlight of my Saturday was the French Market. A new cafe in downtown Knoxville. I was super impressed to find out that they import their macarons and petite fours from Paris every week. Of course I had a stack of macarons! Delicious and everything I had always imagined. I also had a cup of hot cinnamon spice tea, which was perfect for a cold day. Luc had a smoked salmon crepe and he was equally impressed. The French Market also serves as a French gift boutique and flower shop. A really lovely place that I will visit often.

Sunday was a different story. Not a cloud in the sky. Perfect blue. Warmer. I took the dog for a walk and let him sprint and jump through the grass. I wanted to lie in the grass and watch the sky. Swim in all the blue.

The title of this post comes from Enya's new album of the same name. I have always been an Enya fan and found this album to be exactly what I needed. It's supposed to be a Christmas album, but can be listened to at any time of year, as it has mostly a winter theme and not overly holiday-ish. I like it because it helps me to embrace winter. I listened to it on Sunday whilst making Christmas presents.